I have become obsessed by thoughts of my Nice Ex.
On the one hand, I know that splitting up halfway through 2004 was the right decision to make, on the other hand I worry I will never find this kind of love again.
Seeing a scary amount of lookalikes in movies recently has also not exactly helped to distract me from imagining where we'd be now, four years down the line, what we'd each be doing and whether we'd have a child by now.
What would devastate me, secretly, would be to find out that his South American girlfriend were expecting, or that he's getting married or something similar.
Of course, I'd be happy for him because I've always wished him well (apart from the times I wished him dead for irritating the fuck out of me).
I am happy and proud of the person he has grown into, and I am haunted by thoughts of what could be if we got back together. Do people ever do that, after this amount of time? My main problem was that I'd lost respect for him, is this something that can be re-gained or rebuilt?
Would I get hounded by jealous fits of the other girls he's had since I took his virginity?
Would I appreciate him for his increased confidence, improved performance in bed, new skills he has now picked up in other areas? Or would I miss the old him, his occasional awkward shyness, resent the fact that a change in his technique would have been picked up from other women?
Could I get over the fact that I cheated on him, and kicked his love for me to the kerb because he didn't move along at my speed?
Would I forgive myself for resenting him for his age, would I forgive him for rejecting me by telling me I'd not find any 23-year-old who'd want to marry me?
Would I still feel used, and like I wasted over three years of my life on a dead-end relationship, or would we rekindle what I thought lost, never-recounted memories recovered, that bond and closeness we shared, could we slip back into the very real, very comfortable love I felt radiating from him whilst we were a couple?
Would I manage to forget his awkward, half-hearted proposal on Hampstead Heath, or would I constantly be holding out for the real thing, a new ring?
Would I stop pining for black-cherry eyes on the big screen, large and luscious lips, and that eternal boy's body in bed next to me, too gentle and yet all I ever deserved?
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