Interviewer: "So, why do you want to work here?"

Me: "I don't know, you pay money and I need a job? To be honest, I don't exactly have time to do in-depth research on your last decade's sales figures and Google every single senior employee whilst I am WORKING at another company!"

"Have you ever had a challenging boss before, with a difficult personality?"

-"Of course, he was an arsehole who treated everyone like crap, but I developed Stockholm syndrome and bought a crystal ball to read his mind, so I learned to cope!"

"With your language skills, why don't you work abroad!?"

-"I am not sure, but with your boobs, maybe you should work in PORN!"

"So, what about your ring, are you getting married soon?"

-thinking: Wrong hand, Einstein!- "I am so sorry nobody you don't sleep with has ever given you diamonds before!"

"How do you prioritise, and manage to multi-task demands from different people?"

-"Depending on my mood, I have two coping strategies- either deal with the nastiest person first, so you get into the least trouble. Or, deal with the nicest person's request first, because I like them and don't give a shit if the horrible one gets hinself into a frenzy; to be honest it makes me laugh!"

"How are you with booking international travel?"

-"Totally clueless, every time I want to go abroad, I throw myself under a train and wait to be re-incarnated in a different country!"

"You seem like a really enthusiastic person with a lot of energy, but how would you cope if it was a really quiet time, and there wasn't much happening?"

-"I've never had much of a problem keeping myself occupied with blogging, facebook, calling my friends, watching clips on YouTube or getting a good snooze on the office couch!"

"What about your previous career, would you not want to pursue that anymore?"

-"Having come to the realization that most people who work in offices probably have some kind of alternative dream they decided not to pursue for the sake of their mortgage, relationships and sanity, what I WANT isn't as relevant as what I need to get paid in order to survive!"

"Where do you see yourself in five years' time?"

-"In your boss' position. No, make that married with two kids and a dog, living in the country with a handsome, successful husband, writing books."

"We are interviewing a few more people but we also have a temp in that position now who would very much like the job..."

-"So WHY do you waste my time and yours, time we both have to take out of our working day!? At least you get paid whilst you talk to me, and I DON'T!!"

Interviewer: "So, you are applying as a..." proceeds to read my CV for the next fifteen minutes whilst I sit there stirring my tea.

Me: grab the teaspoon and stab them repeatedly, mechanically, manically.

Interviewer, clutching her bleeding throat: "Do you have any questions for us?"

Me: "Yes, could someone please show me the accounts department as there is a vacancy in my life for a tall, mischievous man with sparkling green eyes, whose figures ain't the only thing that's hard..."